From Tiger Beat's Monkees Spectacular #1.
Trying to determine the exact moment when Micky Dolenz’s hair went from “Attractive, Well-Maintained White Boy ‘Fro”:
…to “Finger Stuck in An Electrical Socket Chic”:
The only man on the planet that can make a duckface look sexy…
Welcome to part 4 of Monkees at the Movies! This is our latest and greatest feature here at the NP Tumblr, to see what would happen if each Monkee visited an adult movie theater (see introduction post above for an explanation of what that is). So, without further ado…
Part 4 - Peter Tork
Move out of the way, people: Amateur hour is officially over. Well, unless you’re talking about amateur porn filmed in Peter Tork’s house, which (according to our sources) actually did happen at some point in the ’60s. Yes, it was stag film a-go-go time at ol’ PT’s place, which no doubt goes a long way to explaining the private film room he had with a giant screen covering one wall.
We’ve talked about how each of the other Monkees would react to seeing a porno in an adult movie theatre, but Peter is the one who probably would’ve financed it. No unknown actresses or actors there, for sure; no, Peter would probably sit there, one arm slung around his date’s shoulder (creeping closer to her breasts with every passing second), and refer to the film stars as if they were friends of his. Which they probably were:
"Oh, yeah, there’s Larry Goldenfeather.Hey, it’s Anna Freelove! She was at the house last week. Man, she’s got great tits. I’d really like to grab one and—oh, wow, I forgot Bobby Swallows was in this one! Glad he finally shaved that mustache, boy.”
Of course, there’s the likelihood that Peter wouldn’t do very much talking at all because his mouth would be otherwise occupied. Making out, groping, fondling, and who knows what else would all be fair game for Peter. Not one to be shy about sex in public places, Peter would be the most likely Monkee to get it on right there in the theater. And if he got caught, he’d probably invite whoever found them to join in.
Sex in the movie theater bathroom could be another possibility for Peter. Holes in the bathroom stalls would fill him with joy, and he’d in turn fill them with all of his, well…glory. As for the striptease girls, they would also probably be friends of Peter’s, and he’d tip them generously after getting a very special lap dance. More likely than not, he’d end up back at home with his date, the striptease girls, and at least one random moviegoer who was looking for a party.
So, that is our assessment of Peter Tork at an adult movie theater. An old pro unfazed by the salacious sights, and always ready to partake in those long, lust-filled nights. Thus, on our Risqué Reubens Rating Scale, we give Peter…
4 out of 4 Pee-Wees
Well, that does it for Monkees at the Movies, our latest feature here on the NP Tumblr. We hope you all enjoyed it quite thoroughly, and please let us know your thoughts on it so we can brainstorm more unique and exclusive features for the NP Tumblr in the future.
Thanks for joining us, folks!
Welcome to part 3 of Monkees at the Movies! This is our latest and greatest feature here at the NP Tumblr, to see what would happen if each Monkee visited an adult movie theater (see introduction post above for an explanation of what that is). So, without further ado…
Part 3 - Micky Dolenz
For no other Monkee does the “kid in a candy store” analogy in relation to an adult movie theater seem more apt than Micky. Micky loves women the way other people love air, and that combined with his penchant for toting a camera around and filming everything makes an adult movie theater Micky’s version of Mecca.
And just as little children respond to everything on screen with wide-eyed wonder and astonishment, so would Micky exclaim, “Wow!” and “That’s amazing!” like an 8-year-old seeing Star Wars for the first time. And you better believe Micky would run home and tell all his friends how great the porno was and that they should go see it, too.
Micky’s response to the sex scenes would be much the same as any other hot-blooded male, and once the arousal clouds his brain, there’s no going back. We envision Micky almost stream-of-consciousness rambling as the blood flows from his head to…other areas…unable to stop himself:
"Holy shit, look at her ass. Oh, those tits. Is he gonna fuck her? Oh, they’re gonna do it. I wish that was me. Why isn’t that me? Damn, his dick is almost as big as Mike Nesmith’s. Hey, there are only two girls in this scene! What’s going on? They’re not gonna—wait—OH MY GOD THEY ARE. THIS IS THE BEST DAY EVER!”
…And so on, and so forth.
Following the movie’s conclusion, Micky would throw endless amounts of money at the girls giving live stripteases, shamelessly groping his cock through his pants as he watches them. Consumed with lust and desire and desperate to get off, Micky would probably call on every one of his “maneuvers” to try and charm at least one of the girls into going home with him. And there’s a good chance he would be successful.
So, that is our assessment of Micky Dolenz at an adult movie theater. A curly-haired motormouth of a horny devil, and a fan of the ladies on every level. Thus, on our Risqué Reubens Rating Scale, we give Micky…
3½ out of 4 Pee-Wees
That’s all for this post, kids, but stick around over the next few days for the final installment of…Monkees at the Movies!
Welcome to part 1 of Monkees at the Movies! This is our latest and greatest feature here at the NP Tumblr, to see what would happen if each Monkee visited an adult movie theatre (see introduction post above for an explanation of what that is). So, without further ado…
Part 1 - Davy Jones
Ah, Davy. Of the four Monkees, we wager that Davy would be the one most likely to go to the theater in disguise—probably one very much like what he’s got on in the photo above. For the type of movie Davy would see, our money is on something with an “athlete/cheerleader” theme. Of course, Davy would probably not be so lucky as to find an adult film with a five-foot-three English jockey as the leading male character, but he would imagine himself in the athlete’s place nonetheless.
We also think Davy would be secretly eyeing the actor as much as the actress—not because he’d be aroused by him, but rather to compare himself to the actor. Their respective heights, the size of their muscles, the size of their…other things. Yes, ol’ Davy would measure himself against that actor in every way possible.
It is not likely that Davy would touch himself in the theater, what with him not being too much of an exhibitionist. Some of these theaters used to have live entertainment (i.e., dancing girls doing stripteases), and we wouldn’t rule out Davy shelling out a few extra bucks for a private show. Also, he might get just a bit “hands-y” with the girls or even himself at that point, depending on how much he’s had to drink.
So, that is our assessment of Davy Jones at an adult movie theater. Mostly mild, not too wild, and always impeccably styled. Thus, on our Risqué Reubens Rating Scale, we give Davy…
2 out of 4 Pee-Wees
That’s all for this post, kids, but stick around over the next few days for the final three installments of…Monkees at the Movies!
So, for those who might not know or be too young to remember, back in the old days—before the ready access of the Internets—adults who were looking for a little “mature entertainment” could not do so in the privacy of their own homes, but instead had to go to adult movie theaters.
These theaters first appeared in the United States in the ’60s, and were most popular in the 1970s and ’80s, before falling into decline at the start of the ’90s. There have even been a few high-profile “incidents” of celebrities being caught in some compromising positions at these theaters (one of the most notorious examples is Paul Reubens—a.k.a., Pee-Wee Herman—in 1991).
This then got us to thinking: What are the odds that each of the Monkees has visited one of these establishments in his lifetime? And what would he do while he was there? Who would get caught with his pants down—literally? Thus, the creation of our newest feature on the NP Tumbr: Monkees at the Movies!
Each post (four total) will describe what would happen if a particular Monkee visited an adult movie theater, and at the end, we will assign them a rating on our Risqué Reubens Rating Scale, from 1 to 4 Pee-Wees (1 being not-so-naughty; and 4 being extremely naughty):
So stay tuned, folks, and keep your peepers peeled for our first post in the Monkees at the Movies feature, set to debut on your Dashboards sometime this evening!
Hey there! We never visited the Groupie Central forum, no, so we have no recollection of it, unfortunately. We did find this archive, however: http://www.voy.com/16357/2/ and combed through all the pages, but there was not any mention of any of the Monkees in any of the threads (at least that we could find). If anyone knows if there were mentions, though, please do feel free to comment on this post.